Labor: Pack Your Bags

Dear MrsM-I am 30 weeks pregnant and I am worried because I don’t have my labor bag packed yet!  Worst of all, I don’t even know what to put in it!  What do you suggest?

This is a great question.  When I went to the hospital to have our first baby I packed every item on any labor bag list I could get a hold of.  I am not exaggerating when I say I had four labor bags to take to the hospital with me.  However, after actually having a baby, I can tell you for certain that there is no need to fold up the kitchen sink and shove it in your car. 

This is what I have in my labor bag this time around:

FOR ME: 

-Camera: Because I want my baby’s birth documented for all time.  But not in live action, so we don’t bring video cameras.  That of course is up to the individual though.

-Phone list: Everyone who’s anyone is on the list in order of importance (yep, I ranked my relatives!).  I don’t expect we’ll actually call more than one or two of them, but just in case my hubby has some extra time on his hands (ha!) we’ll have all of their numbers available.

-Phone card: Some hospitals do not allow cell phone use in the maternity ward and don’t have long distance available on the in room phones.  Since hubby isn’t leaving the room except to pee he’s not running to the lobby to use a cell phone either.  Hence, the long distance phone card…for long distance relatives.

-Hair, Makeup, and Bathroom accessories: I packed as much as I use when I’m going to see the Ob/Gyn.  (Enough to look presentable, since there will be pictures taken, but not too much to wear out a pregnant gal).  For me that’s mascara, eye shadow, chapstick, hairbrush and a hair tie on the glamor side and shampoo, soap, toothbrush and paste, mouthwash, and body spray on the hygiene side.  That sounds like a lot, but for the hygiene side of things I recommend going to the dollar tree and getting the mini-travel-sized bathroom stuff and then throwing it all in a freezer sized ziplock bag.  It’ll save you a lot of space and you won’t have to worry about forgetting your toothbrush.

-Granny Panties: A must-have to accomodate the giant sized maxi pad they are going to give you (and you are going to need!) post partum.

-3 pairs of Socks: One for during labor, one for after labor, and one for going home.

-1 Wrap Dress: It’s easy access for breastfeeding, and I don’t have to worry about pants rubbing anywhere uncomfortable.  I recommend picking a dark color (just in case there is some leakage) and remembering appropriate accessories if it’s going to be cold when you deliver (leggings, jacket, etc.) .  This could also be replaced by a button down shirt and a pair of maternity pants, but I like to save the space.

-Nursing Bra/Pads: If you’re going to breastfeed, it’s very important!  Also helpful to bring for the breastfeeding mom is an extra pillow or a boppy-like-thing.

-DVDs/Magazines: You probably won’t have the energy to read an in depth novel, so bring some movies (if your hospital has a DVD player) or some light magazines to read.  Labor can last quite a while and in the beginning be surprizingly boring if all goes well.

FOR BABY:

The hospital provides a lot for the baby while they are there-newborn diapers and wipes, little baby shirts and mittens and hats, and a recieving blanket-all of which they let you take home with you.  So basically you just need to pack one outfit for going home.  I like my babies to be dressed in their own clothes when they go home, but if you only stay a little bit in the hospital all you’d really need to bring is the zip up pajamas, the blanket, and the carseat!

-1 Hat

-1 pair of Mittens

-1 pair of Socks

-Zip up sleeper with feet: Sometimes it makes you nervous to put clothes over your baby’s head because of their fragile little heads and their delicate little necks.  Avoid it altogether by bringing a zip up sleeper!  I don’t recommend the bags though because you have to put them in the carseat and, well, that gets facinating when they’re in a sleeping gown/bag.

-1 Thick Blanket (since it’s going to be winter-you could replace it with just a recieving blanket if you’re having a summer baby).

-1 Burp Rag: In case the baby is a spitter.

-Car Seat: Because they have to get home somehow!

Really that’s about all you need.  Obviously you could add more if you wanted to though.  If you can’t live without your IPod, or you have a focus object from a birthing class, just shove it on in.    Being over prepared is much better than forgetting something!

Children and Alcohol

Dear MrsM-I spent the holidays at my MIL’s house.   There was plenty of alcohol
 around, and I did the best to keep my children away from it.  However,
 my son, who is 8, walked up to my MIL and asked her for a sip of her
 drink, like he always does to me, and my MIL handed him her glass, which
 was a mixed drink!  I flipped out!!!  I do not allow my children to have
 any alcohol at all, and was very upset that she was going to allow my
 8yr old son to have a sip of hers!  Luckily I stopped him. 
My MIL told me that it was no big deal and that she had been giving my
 husband’s sips since he was around 6, and since he’s not an alcoholic,
 apparently she’s done nothing wrong.
Am I over reacting here?  I do not believe adults should provide ANY
 alcohol to their minor children, especially an 8yr old!

There are so many, many things wrong with this I’m going to have to take them one at a time!

First of all, this is YOUR son we’re talking about not hers.  She made her parenting choices with her children, but to overstep her bounds with such a big and controversial decision is absolutely unacceptable.  It doesn’t matter how she tries to justify it, she went against YOUR rules with YOUR son, on a very big issue, and that needs to stop. 

Secondly, giving alcohol to a minor is illegal.  In one sip, one cup, or one case it is a CRIME called contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is also forcing your son to commit a crime-minor in possession of a controlled substance through consumption.  Obviously, there is no need to point out how wrong that is.

And finally, alcohol even in small amounts has a significant impact on children.  The American Medical Association recently published a study that explains how and why alcohol negatively effects minors but the gist is that frontal lobe development and the refinement of pathways and connections in the brain continues until 16 years old, and damage from alcohol while the brain is developing can be long-term and even irreversible.  Your mother in law could actually physically harm your child by giving him alcohol. 

I would sit down with her immediately and explain to her that you respect the fact that she has opinions, but that she does NOT have the right to turn those opinions into decisions about your child.  Go over with her the legalities of the situation, as well as physical harm she could potentially do to your son.  She probably doesn’t realize what she is doing, and will stop after you inform her.  Most grandmas care far more about their granchild’s health than they do about being right.

Adult Children at Home

Dear MrsM-I am 18 years old.  I graduated high school last June and I am working hard to save up enough money to move out of my parents’ house.  I am a very responsible person-I do well at my job, I keep up with my household chores, I spend and save wisely-but my parents still treat me like a baby!  They insist that I have an 11pm curfew, and they won’t let me go on a date unless they meet the person first…they even took away my driving priveledges for being 10 minutes late for curfew!

I am a grown person, and I think that I should be allowed to make my own decisions! What do you think?

Well, you’re in a bit of a spot.  You’re right about being an adult.  Legally you are free to do almost anything you’d like (though you still can’t drink until you’re 21).  However, what is legal is not always what is right morally speaking.

You are living in your parents’ home, and I have always been a big believer in “they who pay the bills make the rules”.  It is their house and they have control of what goes on in, on, and around their property-if they don’t want to be awakened in the middle of the night by thier child (even an adult child) coming in at 2am, they shouldn’t have to be.  If they don’t want you to drive their car, for any reason, then they aren’t required to allow you to.

However some things, like the people you are dating, are your own business now that you are an adult.   It’s time to sit down with your parents and have an adult conversation.  Don’t get angry, and don’t accuse them of “treating you like a baby”, just calmly explain to them that while you appreciate their input on your life, and you agree to respect their wishes regarding their home/car/etc., the time has come for you to make your own decisions and your own mistakes in your personal life-just as they did once they reached adulthood.

From The Author

Dear Reader….s….

You may have noticed that I have been pretty quiet lately.  I really appreciate your continued questions, and I apologize for the delay in getting back to you.  I promise that I will go through them in the order they came in, even if it takes me a while.

We are 30 weeks pregnant at the moment and busily getting ready for our little girl to arrive…between all the crazy preperations, taking care of our son, and all of those fun end-of-pregnancy maladies I have been sadly lacking in the writing department.

I promise I haven’t abandoned you and while I may not be very consistant for a while, this baby will be born (eventually, right?) and once we get into a routine again I’ll be back to writing every day.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my posts.  Happy holidays to you all!

MrsM

New Baby Boundaries

Dear MrsM-We are expecting our first baby (it’s a boy!) in April, and we are so excited.  But the excitment over our little boy is being overshadowed by rude, nosy, and intrusive family.  We already have family members inviting themselves into the labor and delivery room, and calling to tell us (not ask us-TELL us) that they will be staying in our home ”for a while” after he is born to “help out”.  Am I wrong to be upset that I won’t get any private time with my husband and our new baby?  How do I set boundaries when they obviously don’t think there should be any?

It’s great that there are so many people who are excited about your new baby…but there is a BIG difference between “excited” and people who have no sense of decency or boundaries.  Now is the time to set up the boundaries-before they show up at your door, and while they still have time to cancel their plane tickets.

I suggest writing an open letter (addressed to “Dear Friends and Family” so no one feels singled out) and sending it out either through the mail or group email style.  State in the letter exactly what your expectations are, and keep it polite but firm.

For example: “We are overjoyed by the number of you that are willing to travel to share in our joy at the birth of our son, and we are so excited to introduce our little boy to all of you when the time comes, however we will not be accepting visitors at any point during our hospital stay.  We will call you once we get home and settled in to set up a time for everyone to come and visit.”

Also consider putting a sign on your front door that says “Thank you for stopping by, but we are not accepting visitors at this time” for those people that show up without calling…and don’t be afraid to screen your calls!

You are absolutely in the right to want bonding time alone with your new little guy, and setting boundaries in a positive but very firm way will give you some peace of mind while still making sure everyone gets their turn to meet the newest addition.

Congrats on your little boy!

Where Do You Have Family Holidays?

Dear MrsM-My husband and I are having a horrible time agreeing on where to spend Christmas.  He wants to go to his parents house, but they live 3 hours away and I don’t want to have to pack the kids in the car and drive so far away, especially in the snow!  Also, we have spent every year since the kids were born at my parent’s house so I know they are expecting us-and I don’t want to disappoint them.  What do we do?

I understand wanting to spend the holidays with your family-but I imagine your husband feels much the same way.  As far as traveling goes, you will probably travel much farther than 3 hours with your children at some point in their lives…and family road trips are often one of the best childhood memories a person has!  It’s a great way to spend time together bonding.  If you are worried about being safe in the snow, then make sure to travel during the daylight hours and stay on main roads as much as possible because they are almost always salted for safety.

I can understand why you are worried your parents will be upset at the break in tradition.  I’m sure they enjoy having all of the kids and grandkids every year for Christmas.  However, you say that you haven’t spent Christmas with your husband’s family since before your children were born-I don’t know how long ago that was, but I imagine it has been a while, and a holiday visit to your inlaws is well overdue.  They have just as much reason to want to see their kids and grandchildren on Christmas, and they haven’t had that luxery in several years.  Make the trip!

In the future, I would recommend setting it up so that there is a system in place for holidays.  For example-you spend Thanksgiving with your family, then Christmas with his, and then switch the next year (Thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas with your parents).  That way no one gets left out in the snow when it comes to holiday family time.

Telling Your Parents You’re Pregnant….Again

Dear MrsM-My fiance and I just had our first baby (a boy, who was unplanned) in August about two weeks after my 18th birthday.  Our families had a hard time at first, but now they get along great with the idea of having a grandson.  The problem is we just found out that we are four weeks pregnant again!  I can’t believe it!  Does this happen to a lot of other people?  What do we tell our families? Help!

Take a deep breath.  Actually, yes, this does happen to quite a few people-one of my sisters and I are 12 months and 4 days apart!  It happens for many different reasons.  Some women believe that you can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding…and a lot of women with children 15 months apart will tell you how untrue that is!  There are also women who believe you can’t get pregnant because of your hormone levels after you have your baby-essentially saying that your body will still think it’s pregnant and stop you from getting pregnant again.  This is also VERYuntrue.  In fact, some studies show that the opposite is true and that a woman is actually at her most fertile directly after childbirth.  Then, of course, there are those who believe that you can’t get pregnant again after pregnancy until you get your first period.  This belief has lead to a lot of super-close-in-age babies since conception actually happens when you ovulate, and ovulation almost always comes beforeyour period….well, you see the problem with that.  You are definitely not alone in your situation!

As for how to tell your families, that is up to you.  I would say though, that honesty is the best policy.  Once you and your fiance have talked about it and feel comfortable and ready, I would just invite your parents over for lunch and let them know.  They’ll find out eventually anyway, right?  They may be upset, but remind them that your son was a surprise at one point….and look how well that turned out!

Good luck, and congrats on both of your babies!

A New Look at Teen Pregnancy

Dear MrsM-My daughter is 12 years old and I think it’s time for the sex talk.  You know, the one that’s more than where babies come from…that OTHER one.  I don’t know what to say-I don’t want to encourage her having sex by talking to her birth control, but I don’t want to say nothing and then end up with a pregnant teenager.  With so many pregnant teenagers running around I am scared that my daughter will become one of them.  What should I do?

Your instincts are in the right place-you SHOULD be talking to her and 12 is right about the right age-it’s early enough (for most kids) but not so early that she won’t understand.

Talking about sex itself is important, but make sure to tell her about the emotional and mental parts that lead up to and happen during sex (what it’s like to think you’re in love with someone, what it’s like to feel like you want to have sex) along with all of the technical details.  Also make sure to emphasise the responsibility one takes by having sex (understanding that no matter what form of birth control you use, every single time you have sex you have a chance of getting pregnant-a HUGE responsibility).

Which brings me to this-make sure to talk to her about birth control.  I know it’s a scary idea, because it’s like admitting that someday your daughter will have sex.  The truth is though, that she will eventually just like you did.  Statistically speaking well over half of teenagers lose their virginity before they graduate high school.  (Think about when you lost YOURS…how old were you?  Were you married?  If you are like most people, then the answers are not the same answers you’d like to hear from your daughter.)  Teaching her about birth control will prepare her to protect herself against pregnancy and STDs…whenever that time comes.

To help you understand that talking about, and even giving your child, birth control are not going to encourage her to have sex and make babies think about this.  According to the US Census the highest teen birth rate in the last 65 years (since they started recording teen birth rates) was in 1991….in the aftermath of Nancy Regan’s “Just Say No” campaign.  The census also tells us that by 2005 (after sex ed and condoms entered the public school system) the teen birth rate went down by 35% making 2005 the year with the LOWEST teen birth rate in 65 years.  Yes, there were fewer teens giving birth in 2005 then there were in 1945.

And, to the surprize of many I’m sure, the cause of the lower birth rate was actually NOTabortions.  In fact, according to the CDCs statistics, after it’s peak in 1983 (when the teen abortion rate was at 30.7%) the abortion rate among teenagers has been steadily declining.  It decreased by more than half to 14.5% by 2000-with the collected research so far showing that 2005’s national teen abortion rates could have been as low as 8-9%.

So, by far, fewer teenagers are having babies and fewer teenagers are having abortions…but just as many teenagers are having sex.  The only logical conclusion for this is that teaching teens about birth control is preventing teen pregnancies.  I am absolutely not saying not to advocate abstinence to your daughter-abstinence is a worthy goal….that most people fall short of.  Just in case your daughter is like the rest of us, teach her how to protect herself!

It might keep you from becoming a grandma before you retire.

Husbands And Pregnancy

Dear MrsM-I am 8 months pregnant with our second child and my husband still doesn’t seem to “get it”. I am tired, cranky, and in pain most of the time but he can’t seem to find time to rub my back and feet or help me do laundry. I am so sick and tired of him not helping I am five seconds away from taking our 2 year old and leaving. How do I make him help more?

First of all, try to calm down. It sounds like you’re having a severe case of the pregnancy hormone craziness…it happens to the best of us. Most people will recommend not making major decisions while you’re pregnant-even cutting your hair is strongly advised against, so leaving your husband is a decision you probably want to hold off until after you have had the baby and are fully returned to your pre-pregnancy hormone levels.

Husbands are easy targets when you are all hopped up on “the pregnant juice” (as I like to call it). After all, THEY’RE the ones who got you this way to begin with, and now that you’re big and suffering the first thing you notice is how “easy” they have it-with no back pain, nausea, leg cramps…not even so much as a stretch mark…doesn’t it make the skin boil sometimes to watch them fluttering around carefree while we feel like giant beasts of burden? It’s no coincidence that they become the victim of the pregnant craziness.

To some extent it is normal to vent on your husband when you’re miserable. You are very emotionally comfortable with him and some part of you, subconciously, knows that he will forgive you your spicy mouth and bitter attitude because he loves you just that much. It’s still a good idea though to try your best not to go flying at him every time…husbands are still people with feelings even when we’re pregnant and don’t really care to hear about them.

Try to remember and appreciate the things that your husband does all day. He has jobs and responsibilities that he is taking care of too-and while they may not be as obviously burdonsome as being pregnant, they are just as important to the functioning of your family.

Also, try to communicate with him in a healthy way when you feel overburdened. Avoid placing blame on him, or accusing him of not doing a good job, but rather say things like “After a long day of chasing our son/daughter around my back really hurts sometimes. I know yours must too after a long day at work. Maybe we could trade back rubs and take care of both of our tension?” If your husband is anything like mine he will never turn down a back rub even if it means he has to give one to recieve.

When you do blow up on him (and you will, we all do) make sure to apologize afterwards…just so HE knows YOU know that it’s not his fault, but really that crazy hormone fog that comes with the last couple of months of pregnancy. Hang in there-your baby is almost here and things will return to normal soon!

Visitation Issues

Dear MrsM-I am a single mom to a beautiful 2yr old boy. His father has been
absent for my entire pregnancy and for the first 23mnths of our sons life!
He recently just got a girlfriend, and now he wants to be all DADDY
and is making demands on me to let him take our child for several days
at a time. I think its wrong for him to think its ok to just show up
whenever he wants just because him and his girlfriend want to play mommy and
daddy.
I obtained sole parental custody when our son was just 7mnths old, and
he has never asked me for visitation until the past two months. Is it
wrong for me to make him prove himself to me before I allow him to have
unsupervised vistation not in my presence?

*Sidenote: If there is a court order in place dictating visitation rights/schedules, that should be followed to the letter rather than following my advice. If you want to change your court order, you should speak with your attorney.*

It is absolutely NOT wrong to make sure that your ex has a healthy, safe, and loving environment for your little boy before you allow him to take unsupervised visitations. I would visit your ex’s home (while bringing your son to visit, of course) and look for signs that his house, his girlfriend, and his interactions with your son are safe. Having several supervised visits will also be helpful for your son, to help him adjust, since at this point his dad is basically a stranger to him and most toddlers have anxiety about people and places they don’t know.

That being said, once you have had time to determine that your son will be safe while with your ex, it is time to let your son go to visit his dad. To think about how long would be a reasonable amount of time before starting visitation, think about how many times you go to visit a daycare before allowing your son to be watched there. Only a handful of times, right?

I understand that it may be your instinct to scrutinize every minute detail of your ex’s life because of your personal issues with him (and possibly his girlfriend) but, for your son, you need to set your personal adult issues with dad aside and-provided that everything and everyone is safe-allow your son to build his own relationship with his father. You might not want anything to do with your ex anymore, but he is still your son’s dad and deserves a second chance to do the right thing and have a happy, healthy relationship with his child. After all, everyone (even a parent) makes mistakes but the important part is that you learn from them and that you minimize the effect of those mistakes on your children.

Good luck to you.