Holiday Let Downs

Dear MrsM-I was very excited that my 25 year old daughter, who lives a distance
away from us and whom we do not get to see very often, was coming to
visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. We had recently redone her old room
into a guest room and was happy that she would get to use it and would
be able to see her siblings who were also coming home for the holiday.
Long story short, she ended up visiting with us for a short time but
spending her nights with the man that she is currently dating. She
sees him daily where she lives but he happens to also have a residence
about 20 minutes from our house. I am very disappointed in her and a bit angry. I feel very betrayed and hurt. She never mentioned this beforehand – just showed up and
announced she was staying at Tom’s. We have not had any time with her alone
just to talk and catch up. She has not spent any time with her
siblings, etc. Should I share my hurt and disappointment with her or just
suck it up and get over it?

It’s definately understandable to be disappointed that you don’t get to spend as much quality time with your daughter as you’d like to-you have a right to have feelings about this situation. What you do not have the right to do, however, is tell your adult daughter how and where to spend her time. She is 25 years old and that means that she has her own life, in which she is the primary decision maker.

There is something else to consider-if your daughter sees Tom every day and she is spending the holidays with him, it is possible that they are thinking of taking a big step in their relationship sometime soon. If they are going to be moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc. then that makes him her family too. That’s okay and normal. Adult children will almost always make families of their own eventually…and when that time comes the family they hold the most responsibility towards is the one they created with their significant other. That’s how it worked when you left your parents home and created your own family, right? Well, the same goes for your daughter.

What I would do in your situation is just mention to her as casually as you can that you were hoping to spend more time with her during the holidays. You don’t need to “share your hurt and disappointment with her” because she may see that as a guilt trip, which would make her even less likely to spend time with you.

I know it’s hard to watch your adult children move completely out of the nest and start families and relationships of their own, but it’s something that we ALL must do at some point and your daughter is no exception.