Where Do You Have Family Holidays?

Dear MrsM-My husband and I are having a horrible time agreeing on where to spend Christmas.  He wants to go to his parents house, but they live 3 hours away and I don’t want to have to pack the kids in the car and drive so far away, especially in the snow!  Also, we have spent every year since the kids were born at my parent’s house so I know they are expecting us-and I don’t want to disappoint them.  What do we do?

I understand wanting to spend the holidays with your family-but I imagine your husband feels much the same way.  As far as traveling goes, you will probably travel much farther than 3 hours with your children at some point in their lives…and family road trips are often one of the best childhood memories a person has!  It’s a great way to spend time together bonding.  If you are worried about being safe in the snow, then make sure to travel during the daylight hours and stay on main roads as much as possible because they are almost always salted for safety.

I can understand why you are worried your parents will be upset at the break in tradition.  I’m sure they enjoy having all of the kids and grandkids every year for Christmas.  However, you say that you haven’t spent Christmas with your husband’s family since before your children were born-I don’t know how long ago that was, but I imagine it has been a while, and a holiday visit to your inlaws is well overdue.  They have just as much reason to want to see their kids and grandchildren on Christmas, and they haven’t had that luxery in several years.  Make the trip!

In the future, I would recommend setting it up so that there is a system in place for holidays.  For example-you spend Thanksgiving with your family, then Christmas with his, and then switch the next year (Thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas with your parents).  That way no one gets left out in the snow when it comes to holiday family time.

Holiday Let Downs

Dear MrsM-I was very excited that my 25 year old daughter, who lives a distance
away from us and whom we do not get to see very often, was coming to
visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. We had recently redone her old room
into a guest room and was happy that she would get to use it and would
be able to see her siblings who were also coming home for the holiday.
Long story short, she ended up visiting with us for a short time but
spending her nights with the man that she is currently dating. She
sees him daily where she lives but he happens to also have a residence
about 20 minutes from our house. I am very disappointed in her and a bit angry. I feel very betrayed and hurt. She never mentioned this beforehand – just showed up and
announced she was staying at Tom’s. We have not had any time with her alone
just to talk and catch up. She has not spent any time with her
siblings, etc. Should I share my hurt and disappointment with her or just
suck it up and get over it?

It’s definately understandable to be disappointed that you don’t get to spend as much quality time with your daughter as you’d like to-you have a right to have feelings about this situation. What you do not have the right to do, however, is tell your adult daughter how and where to spend her time. She is 25 years old and that means that she has her own life, in which she is the primary decision maker.

There is something else to consider-if your daughter sees Tom every day and she is spending the holidays with him, it is possible that they are thinking of taking a big step in their relationship sometime soon. If they are going to be moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc. then that makes him her family too. That’s okay and normal. Adult children will almost always make families of their own eventually…and when that time comes the family they hold the most responsibility towards is the one they created with their significant other. That’s how it worked when you left your parents home and created your own family, right? Well, the same goes for your daughter.

What I would do in your situation is just mention to her as casually as you can that you were hoping to spend more time with her during the holidays. You don’t need to “share your hurt and disappointment with her” because she may see that as a guilt trip, which would make her even less likely to spend time with you.

I know it’s hard to watch your adult children move completely out of the nest and start families and relationships of their own, but it’s something that we ALL must do at some point and your daughter is no exception.

Home For The Holidays

Dear MrsM-I am a 23 year old college student.  I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years and we really want to spend the holidays together, but my parents are very conservative and won’t let him stay at their house while we’re down for Thanksgiving because we’re not married.  Because we’re both in college we really can’t afford a hotel, but I really want to see my family for Thanksgiving without leaving my boyfriend at home.  What can I do?

Firstly, I have to say that you sound like you are respectful of your parents’ wishes even if you aren’t happy with them.  Good for you!  I am a firm believer in the “parent’s house=parent’s rules” policy and I think you also understand what that means.

That being said, let’s talk solutions.  If his family is in the same area he could stay with them at night and you can stay with your family, but you could meet up in the morning to spend the day together.  There would even be the hidden bonus of him getting to spend some of the holidays with his family too.

If he has no family in the area, maybe you ask another of your relatives to put him up for the night (if you’re really close with them and they have met him before).  For example, if he has met your grandparents a few times and they all get a long, maybe you could ask if they have a spare room.  This would only work if they know eachother and get along though.

Another thought might be (depending on how far you live from your parents) driving down for the day and then back rather than spending the night.  If you are close enough to them to do that, it would ease some potentially tense circumstances and everyone would get some of what they wanted.

If there are no compromises to be found in this situation, you may have to decide what is most important to you.  There are a lot of reasons that you would want to spend the holidays with your parents, and lots of equally important reasons that you would want to spend them with your boyfriend.  As an adult this is one of the harder things to deal with-my husband and I still have to have long sit downs about where we are going to spend the holidays. 

Talk to your boyfriend, and your parents, about how you feel and maybe they can help you come upwith some other creative solutions to your Thanksgiving pickle.

Good luck-and happy Thanksgiving!

Turning 21

Dear MrsM-My son is turning 21 this weekend and he has plans to go out and “get blitzed” with all of his friends. He is going with his girlfriend and his friends, and he is not driving, but I don’t understand why he is planning to get so drunk…why not just go out for a quiet drink or have a party at home?

Plans to go out and party always make a mother worry, but your son is an adult-and it sounds like a responsible one at that, since he has already set up several designated drivers.

I would talk to him about the signs of alcohol poisoning (because even some adults are not aware of the difference between being really drunk and having alcohol poisoning) and then tell him to have a good time and call you if he needs you.

It’s a hard thing, but hang tough mom-it’s just another part of being the parent of an adult that is hard to watch!