Children and Alcohol

Dear MrsM-I spent the holidays at my MIL’s house.   There was plenty of alcohol
 around, and I did the best to keep my children away from it.  However,
 my son, who is 8, walked up to my MIL and asked her for a sip of her
 drink, like he always does to me, and my MIL handed him her glass, which
 was a mixed drink!  I flipped out!!!  I do not allow my children to have
 any alcohol at all, and was very upset that she was going to allow my
 8yr old son to have a sip of hers!  Luckily I stopped him. 
My MIL told me that it was no big deal and that she had been giving my
 husband’s sips since he was around 6, and since he’s not an alcoholic,
 apparently she’s done nothing wrong.
Am I over reacting here?  I do not believe adults should provide ANY
 alcohol to their minor children, especially an 8yr old!

There are so many, many things wrong with this I’m going to have to take them one at a time!

First of all, this is YOUR son we’re talking about not hers.  She made her parenting choices with her children, but to overstep her bounds with such a big and controversial decision is absolutely unacceptable.  It doesn’t matter how she tries to justify it, she went against YOUR rules with YOUR son, on a very big issue, and that needs to stop. 

Secondly, giving alcohol to a minor is illegal.  In one sip, one cup, or one case it is a CRIME called contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is also forcing your son to commit a crime-minor in possession of a controlled substance through consumption.  Obviously, there is no need to point out how wrong that is.

And finally, alcohol even in small amounts has a significant impact on children.  The American Medical Association recently published a study that explains how and why alcohol negatively effects minors but the gist is that frontal lobe development and the refinement of pathways and connections in the brain continues until 16 years old, and damage from alcohol while the brain is developing can be long-term and even irreversible.  Your mother in law could actually physically harm your child by giving him alcohol. 

I would sit down with her immediately and explain to her that you respect the fact that she has opinions, but that she does NOT have the right to turn those opinions into decisions about your child.  Go over with her the legalities of the situation, as well as physical harm she could potentially do to your son.  She probably doesn’t realize what she is doing, and will stop after you inform her.  Most grandmas care far more about their granchild’s health than they do about being right.

New Baby Boundaries

Dear MrsM-We are expecting our first baby (it’s a boy!) in April, and we are so excited.  But the excitment over our little boy is being overshadowed by rude, nosy, and intrusive family.  We already have family members inviting themselves into the labor and delivery room, and calling to tell us (not ask us-TELL us) that they will be staying in our home ”for a while” after he is born to “help out”.  Am I wrong to be upset that I won’t get any private time with my husband and our new baby?  How do I set boundaries when they obviously don’t think there should be any?

It’s great that there are so many people who are excited about your new baby…but there is a BIG difference between “excited” and people who have no sense of decency or boundaries.  Now is the time to set up the boundaries-before they show up at your door, and while they still have time to cancel their plane tickets.

I suggest writing an open letter (addressed to “Dear Friends and Family” so no one feels singled out) and sending it out either through the mail or group email style.  State in the letter exactly what your expectations are, and keep it polite but firm.

For example: “We are overjoyed by the number of you that are willing to travel to share in our joy at the birth of our son, and we are so excited to introduce our little boy to all of you when the time comes, however we will not be accepting visitors at any point during our hospital stay.  We will call you once we get home and settled in to set up a time for everyone to come and visit.”

Also consider putting a sign on your front door that says “Thank you for stopping by, but we are not accepting visitors at this time” for those people that show up without calling…and don’t be afraid to screen your calls!

You are absolutely in the right to want bonding time alone with your new little guy, and setting boundaries in a positive but very firm way will give you some peace of mind while still making sure everyone gets their turn to meet the newest addition.

Congrats on your little boy!