Visitation Issues

Dear MrsM-I am a single mom to a beautiful 2yr old boy. His father has been
absent for my entire pregnancy and for the first 23mnths of our sons life!
He recently just got a girlfriend, and now he wants to be all DADDY
and is making demands on me to let him take our child for several days
at a time. I think its wrong for him to think its ok to just show up
whenever he wants just because him and his girlfriend want to play mommy and
daddy.
I obtained sole parental custody when our son was just 7mnths old, and
he has never asked me for visitation until the past two months. Is it
wrong for me to make him prove himself to me before I allow him to have
unsupervised vistation not in my presence?

*Sidenote: If there is a court order in place dictating visitation rights/schedules, that should be followed to the letter rather than following my advice. If you want to change your court order, you should speak with your attorney.*

It is absolutely NOT wrong to make sure that your ex has a healthy, safe, and loving environment for your little boy before you allow him to take unsupervised visitations. I would visit your ex’s home (while bringing your son to visit, of course) and look for signs that his house, his girlfriend, and his interactions with your son are safe. Having several supervised visits will also be helpful for your son, to help him adjust, since at this point his dad is basically a stranger to him and most toddlers have anxiety about people and places they don’t know.

That being said, once you have had time to determine that your son will be safe while with your ex, it is time to let your son go to visit his dad. To think about how long would be a reasonable amount of time before starting visitation, think about how many times you go to visit a daycare before allowing your son to be watched there. Only a handful of times, right?

I understand that it may be your instinct to scrutinize every minute detail of your ex’s life because of your personal issues with him (and possibly his girlfriend) but, for your son, you need to set your personal adult issues with dad aside and-provided that everything and everyone is safe-allow your son to build his own relationship with his father. You might not want anything to do with your ex anymore, but he is still your son’s dad and deserves a second chance to do the right thing and have a happy, healthy relationship with his child. After all, everyone (even a parent) makes mistakes but the important part is that you learn from them and that you minimize the effect of those mistakes on your children.

Good luck to you.

Parents of Teenage Parents

Dear MrsM-I just found out that my 15yr old daughter is pregnant.  I didn’t even
 know she was having sex!  I am very upset with her, but I also think I
 should be supportive.   Is there a fine line where I can be mad at her
 and still be supportive?   She claims she wants to keep this baby and
 won’t place it for adoption.   I know she can be a good mother with
 support, but I don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.  What is the best
 way to help her?

First of all, kudos to you for thinking of your child’s well being despite a very discouraging situation.  Hopefully your daughter will turn out to be a mother who cares about her child the way you care about her.  It is understandable though that no matter how much you care about and support her, you are equally angry with her.  You CAN be both supportive and upset-the same way you could love her when she was a toddler no matter how much she drove you crazy with all those temper tantrums.  As I’m sure you know, your love for your child is unconditional…but your love for their behavior comes and goes depending on what they’re doing.

My advice to you would be to first get some support for yourself.  Talk to your husband, your parents, your best friend, or a pastor at a local church (even if you’re not a member, they’ll be happy to listen).  It would be a good idea to get all of those gut reactions worked through before you talk to your daughter so that your conversation with her can be as calm and effective as possible.

Then sit down and have a conversation with your daughter adult to adult, and parent to parent.  Honestly explain to her why you are upset, but try to avoid lecturing/fighting/blaming because that will shut down the conversation before it even starts.  Say instead that you are (for example) disappointed that she will not have the same opportunities as other girls her age and that you are concerned about how hard her life will be once she has a child of her own.  Then, to help avoid lecturing, ask her if she has thought about your concerns on her own before your conversation.  If she has, how does she feel about them?  What kind of solutions does she have?  If she has not, talk about your concerns in a way that promotes problem solving, not bickering.  After that, ask her about her concerns and work through the solutions together.

Then you need to talk to her about what your expectations are while she is pregnant and after she has her baby.  Do you expect her to stay in public school, or will you help her enroll in online classes?  Do you expect her to have a job to contribute to the costs of taking care of her new baby?  How long do you expect her and her child to live with you?  What will her responsibilities be?  What will the rules be? 

It would be nieve to think that she won’t try to get out of some (if not most or all) of the rules that you set for her, but I think the rules are something you need to stand strong on especially when your grandchild will be depending on them.  If you and your daughter aren’t able to come to an agreement about the rules, then you may need to bring in a third party, such as a councilor, who can help mediate between you and come up with solutions that are good for both of you.

Once you have laid out the rules, talked about both of your feelings, and come up with solutions to some of the problems ahead, it’s time to look for more outside support.  Ask her OB/Gyn to recommend a teen parenting/pregnancy support group in your area, and sign her up for birthing classes.  I would recommend that you go with her to these classes because it will not only reinforce to her that you are supportive, but you will most likely meet other parents of teen parents in these organizations who may be able to direct you to a local support group for people “on the other side of the fence” so to speak.

One thing I have found that may be helpful is a support line called American Pregnancy Helpline-the number is 1-888-467-8466 and it is free and confidential.  They should be able to help you if you have any more questions, concerns, or just need someone to talk to. 

In the end it may be helpful to remember that while your daughter being pregnant is a very difficult and emotionally charged situation, having a grandbaby is one of the better parts of life no matter how they get there! 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Turning 21

Dear MrsM-My son is turning 21 this weekend and he has plans to go out and “get blitzed” with all of his friends. He is going with his girlfriend and his friends, and he is not driving, but I don’t understand why he is planning to get so drunk…why not just go out for a quiet drink or have a party at home?

Plans to go out and party always make a mother worry, but your son is an adult-and it sounds like a responsible one at that, since he has already set up several designated drivers.

I would talk to him about the signs of alcohol poisoning (because even some adults are not aware of the difference between being really drunk and having alcohol poisoning) and then tell him to have a good time and call you if he needs you.

It’s a hard thing, but hang tough mom-it’s just another part of being the parent of an adult that is hard to watch!