Husbands And Pregnancy

Dear MrsM-I am 8 months pregnant with our second child and my husband still doesn’t seem to “get it”. I am tired, cranky, and in pain most of the time but he can’t seem to find time to rub my back and feet or help me do laundry. I am so sick and tired of him not helping I am five seconds away from taking our 2 year old and leaving. How do I make him help more?

First of all, try to calm down. It sounds like you’re having a severe case of the pregnancy hormone craziness…it happens to the best of us. Most people will recommend not making major decisions while you’re pregnant-even cutting your hair is strongly advised against, so leaving your husband is a decision you probably want to hold off until after you have had the baby and are fully returned to your pre-pregnancy hormone levels.

Husbands are easy targets when you are all hopped up on “the pregnant juice” (as I like to call it). After all, THEY’RE the ones who got you this way to begin with, and now that you’re big and suffering the first thing you notice is how “easy” they have it-with no back pain, nausea, leg cramps…not even so much as a stretch mark…doesn’t it make the skin boil sometimes to watch them fluttering around carefree while we feel like giant beasts of burden? It’s no coincidence that they become the victim of the pregnant craziness.

To some extent it is normal to vent on your husband when you’re miserable. You are very emotionally comfortable with him and some part of you, subconciously, knows that he will forgive you your spicy mouth and bitter attitude because he loves you just that much. It’s still a good idea though to try your best not to go flying at him every time…husbands are still people with feelings even when we’re pregnant and don’t really care to hear about them.

Try to remember and appreciate the things that your husband does all day. He has jobs and responsibilities that he is taking care of too-and while they may not be as obviously burdonsome as being pregnant, they are just as important to the functioning of your family.

Also, try to communicate with him in a healthy way when you feel overburdened. Avoid placing blame on him, or accusing him of not doing a good job, but rather say things like “After a long day of chasing our son/daughter around my back really hurts sometimes. I know yours must too after a long day at work. Maybe we could trade back rubs and take care of both of our tension?” If your husband is anything like mine he will never turn down a back rub even if it means he has to give one to recieve.

When you do blow up on him (and you will, we all do) make sure to apologize afterwards…just so HE knows YOU know that it’s not his fault, but really that crazy hormone fog that comes with the last couple of months of pregnancy. Hang in there-your baby is almost here and things will return to normal soon!

Parents of Teenage Parents

Dear MrsM-I just found out that my 15yr old daughter is pregnant.  I didn’t even
 know she was having sex!  I am very upset with her, but I also think I
 should be supportive.   Is there a fine line where I can be mad at her
 and still be supportive?   She claims she wants to keep this baby and
 won’t place it for adoption.   I know she can be a good mother with
 support, but I don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.  What is the best
 way to help her?

First of all, kudos to you for thinking of your child’s well being despite a very discouraging situation.  Hopefully your daughter will turn out to be a mother who cares about her child the way you care about her.  It is understandable though that no matter how much you care about and support her, you are equally angry with her.  You CAN be both supportive and upset-the same way you could love her when she was a toddler no matter how much she drove you crazy with all those temper tantrums.  As I’m sure you know, your love for your child is unconditional…but your love for their behavior comes and goes depending on what they’re doing.

My advice to you would be to first get some support for yourself.  Talk to your husband, your parents, your best friend, or a pastor at a local church (even if you’re not a member, they’ll be happy to listen).  It would be a good idea to get all of those gut reactions worked through before you talk to your daughter so that your conversation with her can be as calm and effective as possible.

Then sit down and have a conversation with your daughter adult to adult, and parent to parent.  Honestly explain to her why you are upset, but try to avoid lecturing/fighting/blaming because that will shut down the conversation before it even starts.  Say instead that you are (for example) disappointed that she will not have the same opportunities as other girls her age and that you are concerned about how hard her life will be once she has a child of her own.  Then, to help avoid lecturing, ask her if she has thought about your concerns on her own before your conversation.  If she has, how does she feel about them?  What kind of solutions does she have?  If she has not, talk about your concerns in a way that promotes problem solving, not bickering.  After that, ask her about her concerns and work through the solutions together.

Then you need to talk to her about what your expectations are while she is pregnant and after she has her baby.  Do you expect her to stay in public school, or will you help her enroll in online classes?  Do you expect her to have a job to contribute to the costs of taking care of her new baby?  How long do you expect her and her child to live with you?  What will her responsibilities be?  What will the rules be? 

It would be nieve to think that she won’t try to get out of some (if not most or all) of the rules that you set for her, but I think the rules are something you need to stand strong on especially when your grandchild will be depending on them.  If you and your daughter aren’t able to come to an agreement about the rules, then you may need to bring in a third party, such as a councilor, who can help mediate between you and come up with solutions that are good for both of you.

Once you have laid out the rules, talked about both of your feelings, and come up with solutions to some of the problems ahead, it’s time to look for more outside support.  Ask her OB/Gyn to recommend a teen parenting/pregnancy support group in your area, and sign her up for birthing classes.  I would recommend that you go with her to these classes because it will not only reinforce to her that you are supportive, but you will most likely meet other parents of teen parents in these organizations who may be able to direct you to a local support group for people “on the other side of the fence” so to speak.

One thing I have found that may be helpful is a support line called American Pregnancy Helpline-the number is 1-888-467-8466 and it is free and confidential.  They should be able to help you if you have any more questions, concerns, or just need someone to talk to. 

In the end it may be helpful to remember that while your daughter being pregnant is a very difficult and emotionally charged situation, having a grandbaby is one of the better parts of life no matter how they get there! 

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Post Partum Breast Changes

Dear MrsM-Everyone assures me that [after pregnancy] I’ll go back to my small self! They have nothing but positive feed back [except] when it comes to boobs! EVERYONE says they sag after pregnancy [and] that they never perk up…is this true? I want to breast feed, and plan to, but I don’t want to be 20 and have the chest I am very proud of fall down! Give it to me straight-is there hope for my girls?

Yes and no. Your boobs will sag-that’s gravity for you. They will probably sag a little whether or not you decide to breastfeed, since they will still gain weight from your milk coming in and then loose weight when you dry up which both happen whether you breastfeed or not.

That being said, if you take good care of yourself it is not a terribly noticable difference. ALWAYS wear a bra, and make sure to wear one that fits correctly (you can have yourself fitted at one of the fancier department stores like Macys even if you don’t buy the bra there). Keep a good tab on your pregnancy weight gain-if you gain a lot and then loose a lot that will make your skin stretch and make your boobs look saggier.

Use the pencil test (I know it’s really juvenile, but it’s what I do). Put a pencil under your breast (when you don’t have a bra on) and see how many pencils will stay there on their own. Before I had my son I couldn’t hold one pencil (I was pretty perky in those days) but even after having my son I can still only hold one-so in my experience it’s not a huge difference.

Honestly, no matter how saggy the girls get, your baby won’t mind and your husband probably won’t either. There is something sexy about the woman who gives you children-at least that’s what my husband says-and it’s a small price to pay for your beautiful baby.

Old Wives Tales

Dear MrsM-I have heard a lot of old wives tales since I got pregnant. According to all of them I am having a girl-my baby’s hearbeat was 160, I’ve had bad morning sickness, and I’m 6 months and still hardly showing at all. What do you think? Is my baby a girl?

With our first I didn’t show until almost 7 months, had morning sickness so bad that I had to get rehydrated 2-3 times a week until I was almost 8 months, had a heartbeat of 160 at my 14 week ultrasound…..and had a very healthy baby *boy*.

This time I started really showing around 15 weeks, have been sicker than a dog but only hospitalized for dehydration 3 times total, had a heartbeat of 160 at my 17 week ultrasound…..and I am 6 months pregnant with a very healthy baby *girl*.

Not matter what the old wives say you’ve got about a 50/50 shot. Even having very similar symptoms doesn’t really mean anything, since every woman-and even every pregnancy-is different.

However, there are some studies that suggest that mother’s intuition about the gender of her baby is correct 75% of the time (more often than mere chance). If you can, try to set aside the gender that you perfer and focus on the baby. Think about them as a person….do you feel they are a “he” or a “she”? It’s not a guaranteed thing, but it’s scientifically proven to be more accurate than old wives tales.

I knew instinctively both times what my children’s gender was pretty much the minute I found out I was pregnant…both times I have been right.

Good luck to you and congrats on your new baby…whatever their gender!

Morning Sickness Help

Dear MrsM-My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first child and she is really sick. Sometimes she’s just nauseaus and sometimes she is vomiting all over the place, but she’s miserable all the time! What can we do to make it easier on her?

There are a ton of things that are recommended for morning sickness:

*Keep crackers or bread next to your bed and have her eat a couple nibbles before sitting up.

*Ginger (Ginger root is best, but you can also try ginger ale and ginger snaps)

*Peppermint/Cinnamon-Peppermint hard candy and Cinnamon gum

*Sour hard candy-lemonheads, sour jolly ranchers, etc.

*Pedialyte Popsicles-they have electrolytes in them which will help fight dehydration but since they’re frozen she doesn’t have to put a lot in her stomach at once and it helps keep it down.

*Limit or exclude dairy products, fried foods, spicy foods, and foods with a lot of citrus.

In addition to those food choice options you can also make some lifestyle changes like:

*Eat more frequent, smaller meals. Sometimes being overly full or overly hungry can contribute to morning sickness. Try to eat either very small meals (a couple of pieces of toast and a couple of brooccli sprouts) every 2 hours or slightly bigger, or small meals (like half a BLT or a bowl of soup) every 4 hours.

*Get lots of sleep. Overexursion and exhaustion can contribute to morning sickness.

*Drink lots of fluids….orange juice with calcium added if she can stand it, but at the very least water. Don’t drink too much (she’ll get water logged and probably barf) but constantly keep some liquids by her side. She’ll need them if she is throwing up a lot, and they can also keep her stomach calm…er.

Generally, morning sickness will go away around 12 weeks, so she’s only got about 4 weeks until then!

Keep in mind though, that constant violent vomiting could be a sign of hyperemesis gravidum (severe and chronic morning sickness) and she may need to be hospitalized to get IV fluids and nutrients. This can last through her entire pregnancy, and it sucks bad but she can survive it! I’ve had hyperemesis with both of my kids (until almost 8 months with my son and it’s still going strong with this one!) and they’re both healthy even if I was/am a wreck.

Keep an eye out for dizziness, headaches, extreme fatigue, and weakness as they can all be signs of dehydration. If she’s not able to hold down *anything* [liquid or solid] for 72 hours go into the ER.

Don’t worry-even hyperemsis (if treated through IV fluids and nutrients) isn’t dangerous for your baby. They’ll take what they need directly from mommy whether she eats or not! It only serves to her miserable. Eventually it’ll get better though and you will have your beautiful baby! Congrats on your little one!